DICK CHENEY - CHAMPION OF HUMAN RIGHTS On Thursday, May 5 -- a scant two months before a G-8 summit meeting scheduled to take place in St. Petersberg -- vice-preznit Dick Cheney went to Lithuania and delivered the rhetorical equivalent of a shotgun blast to the face of Russian President Vladimir Putin, scolding the diminutive autocrat for dissident crackdowns and using his nation's oil reserves as a blackmail tool. "Russia has a choice to make," the Creepy Veepy growled, "and there is no question that a return to democratic reform in Russia will generate further success for its people and greater respect among fellow nations." Cheney's were actually the second set of footprints purposively stamped into the diplomatic doodoo. Only a few days before, the Rev. Dr. Condoleezza Rice Jr. held a truculent tête-à-tête with Russian foreign minister Sergei Somethingorother, during which she scolded him for threatening to piss on Preznit Dubya's plan to attack Iran. Putin's response was swift, if cryptic: "We are aware what is going on in the world," he explained during a nationally televised address. "Comrade wolf knows whom to eat, he eats without listening, and he's clearly not going to listen to anyone." When Russians get alegorical like that -- then make noise about going double or nothing on that whole arms race thing -- you know they mean business. Small wonder that both sides of this post-ideological power divide are warning about the birthing of a New Cold War. Anyhoo, yer old pal Jerky hates to see nearly two decades of ever-improving Russo/American relations flushed down the shitter. So, in the spirit of Perestroika and Glastnost, I hereby and humbly offer up the fruits of my research into this vexing dilemma as compiled and collated in the form of this handy list of... The TOP 13 WAYS PUTIN CAN IMPROVE RUSSIA'S DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE! 13. Change the order of the colors on the Russian flag from White, Blue and Red to the far superior Red, White and Blue. 12. Increase the number of visible flags during photo-ops and televised speeches by an order of magnitude. 11. End every speech with "God bless Russia!" 10. Use words like freedom, free, liberty, freeberty and liberdom, regardless of whether they are applicable, wherever and whenever possible. 9. In case of catastrophic natural disasters... do nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. 8. Make sure your citizens are sharply divided on a number of minor issues, and have an abundance of venues where they can hash out these petty debates. That way, if one of your no doubt countless and monstrous conspiracies should somehow be exposed, people will be too distracted to notice and/or too dumbed-down to care. 7. Militarize civilian intelligence-gathering agencies while simultaneously increasing the military's role in domestic law enforcement. 6. Stop playing hardball, and start playing ball, with your country's oligarchs. We've met them, and they're very nice. 5. Whenever signing a piece of legislation that might curb your ability to (ahem) "protect the Russian people from terrorists", cross your fingers so it doesn't count. Later, when people ask you why you're breaking the very same laws you signed not that long ago, baffle them with rhetorical bullshit. Just don't use the "signing statement" excuse. We've got dibs on that one. 4. Arrest more of your citizens! Russia was once a proud world leader in percentage of population jailed. Now, with a measly 665 prisoners per 100,000 Russians, you've fallen behind the Land of the Free, which boasts 702 prisoners per 100,000. 3. Build a better propaganda catapult, and don't be afraid to use it. 2. Sabotage and subvert democracies in other countries so that your own pathetic sham of a democratic process seems all the more vigorous by comparison. 1. Spy on everyone at all times. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY May 9 Even though his so-called "divine comedy" was pretty much devoid of laughs, yer old pal Jerky still wants to say Happy Birthday to Italian poet Dante Alighieri, born on this day in 1265. On this day in 1946, King Victor Emmanuel III, Italian monarch since 1900, abdicates his throne and turns the nation over to the Mafia, to cover his gambling debts. On this day in 1955, muppeteer Jim Henson and some early versions of his felt-covered friends make their first ever television appearance on a local Washington DC area TV show called Sam and Friends. Why we didn't collectively celebrate a half-century of muppetry last year, yer old pal Jerky will never know. On this day in 1997, President Bill Clinton appoints the first US ambassador to Vietnam since the fall of Saigon, a symbolic act to let that country know that Washington would no longer be giving them the diplomatic cold shoulder. Later that same night, symbolically sealing the deal, Clinton has anal sex with Jane Fonda in the Lincoln Bedroom. At least, that's what Sean Hannity told me.

THEY SAID IT! "The larger the mob, the harder the test. In small areas, before small electorates, a first-rate man occasionally fights his way through, carrying even the mob with him by force of his personality. But when the field is nationwide, and the fight must be waged chiefly at second and third hand, and the force of personality cannot so readily make itself felt, then all the odds are on the man who is, intrinsically, the most devious and mediocre — the man who can most easily adeptly disperse the notion that his mind is a virtual vacuum. The Presidency tends, year by year, to go to such men. As democracy is perfected, the office represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. We move toward a lofty ideal. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron." - H.L. Mencken, from a notorious 26 July 1920 essay in the Baltimore Evening Sun.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by Mick! There was a farmer out in the country, a meek little guy who had a speech problem and couldn't talk right. He got his first telephone, the kind that hangs on the kitchen wall and has to be cranked to get the operator. Soon after it was installed, he tried his first call. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator." "Gimme fvree, fvree, one, fi, pease." "Excuse me?" "I wanna talk ta fvree, fvree, one, fi." "I don't understand you, sir." "FVREE, FVREE, ONE, FI!" "Sir, if you want to make a call, you're going to have to talk plainer than that." "Oh, yust shtick it up yer ash!" (slammed the phone down) The next morning, there was a knock at the farmer's door. Two very large repairmen from the phone company were there, and they asked him if he was the one who had used a profanity with their operator. "Yesh, I yam", he said. The telephone man said "Sir, we don't stand for our ladies being treated that way. You have a choice. You can either call her right now and apologize, or we're going to remove your telephone." Without saying a word, the little man walked to the telephone. (crank, crank, ring, ring) "Operator." "Are yew th' lady I told ta shtick 'dis telephone up her ash?" Immediately huffy, the operator replied "I CERTAINLY am!" "Well, get ready. Dere bringin' it in." *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Towjam for sending in today's second joke. Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men? A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Waldo... Three men, a guy from Mexico, a guy from El Salvador and a guy from Honduras are all riding in a truck. Question... Who is driving the truck? Answer... The immigration offcicer!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: THEN AND NOW care of: DMZ 1971: Long hair 2006: Longing for hair 1971: The perfect high 2006: The perfect high yield mutual fund 1971: Keg 2006: EKG 1971: Acid rock 2006: Acid reflux 1971: Moving to California because it's cool 2006: Moving to California because it's warm 1971: Growing pot 2006: Growing pot belly 1971: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2006: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1971: Seeds and stems 2006: Roughage 1971: Popping pills, smoking joints 2006: Popping joints 1971: Killer weed 2006: Weed killer 1971: Hoping for a BMW 2006: Hoping for a BM 1971: The Grateful Dead 2006: Dr. Kevorkian 1971: Screw the system 2006: Upgrade the system 1971: Disco 2006: Costco 1971: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2006: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1971: Taking acid 2006: Taking antacid 1971: Whatever 2006: Depends - DMZ FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! mopj, the message i just tried to send you about the kent state killings just came back, maybe they're watching you or it might be my own paranoia that gets me thinking lots of crazy things, whatever, don't talk bad about the monkey boy at least until he does his best to get his bro (jeb of the crack head daughter bush) in on the next pres. election. how stupid does he think the people of this country are? we'll try again, sn1per44 [If you don't want the feds monitoring your e-mails, maybe you should think about changing screen names. Just a thought! - Jerky] *** **** *** Say J To put things right in a fuckin hurry all it would take is for station employees to give away gasoline, that would turn the tables on the thieving cocksuckers overnight! yop druid athiest [Gas station employees need money to cover their naked butts with just as much as the rest of us. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJ, I sent a link from your site to a redder than red repuglican buddy of mine and he sent this to me in return. I almost fell out of my chair. YOP, Bob [Remember that scene at the end of the 1978 version of Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Now you know how Brooke Adams felt. - Jerky] *** **** *** FYI On today's DD you incorrectly said "Charles E Schumer, (R) from NY." I bet if he reads it, he would let you have it. Shame, shame. Nacire [Yup. I fucked up on that one. - Jerky] *** **** *** MOPJerky, Thank you for that link to the WTC controlled-demolition. That's what I've been saying all along but I hadn't been able to get anybody to believe me. Only trouble is, there's not a fucking thing we can do about it. YOP Kenny "B" [Kinda makes you wonder why I'd even bother posting it. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky M'Man I believe that the Lusitania explosion has been exposed as a coal dust explaosion both by naval record and by recent naval archaeology. Stay with the details m'man! YOPJerry [Yeah, but a torpedo sparked it. Whether or not Churchill was using the Lucy as bait is another story. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; I don't usually vent my opinions on these pages, but Bush has the perfect solution available about Iran. Help them with their Nuclear Program. Supervise it so closely that nothing gets "re-routed". In Exchange, when they no longer need Oil and are reliant on Nuclear power for everything, take their Oil at .10c per barrel. They certainly won't have any further use for it. Baadshash [But where's the fun in that? - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com