JIGGEDY-FIGGEDY-FUCKED! It's been a long time since the government nannies phased out the deadly-dangerous game of lawn darts as an acceptable family pastime in America, but yer old pal Jerky thinks he's finally found a suitably suspect substitute… Pakistani kite-fighting! It's a sport in which rival kite-flyers are pitted against each other in a kind of aerial duel, using razor-sharp metallic wire instead of strings to hold their designs aloft, they try to sever each other's tether! Unfortunately for innocent bystanders, the special strings used in these combats have recently led to a number of slashed throats, as well as the near-decapitation of an oblivious motorcyclist. Oh well, like they say: it's all fun and games until somebody gets decapitated by a razor-sharp wire… at which point, it becomes a bona-fide craze! Australia is already home to far more than its fair share of the world's bizarre genetic freaks. The egg-laying, lactating monotrens like the platypus and the echidna come to mind, as do the thylocene and Yahoo Serious. So it hardly seems right that the "Land Down Under," as the locals call it, should be adding yet another member to its menagerie of mutants. But with the recent discovery of a living specimen of the ultra-rare and long-thought-to-be-extinct Lavarack's turtle - the only animal in the world that can breathe out of it's own ass - they are. Hey, do you think if scientists taught it to talk out it's ass, the turtle might run for public office some day? Seems like a no-brainer to yer old pal Jerky! It's been a busy week for fundamentalist Christian nutjobs! First, anti-abortion zealot and former Klan leader John Burt - who was involved in some of the most violent terrorist attacks against American clinics during the 80s and early 90s - once again provided confirmation for what every rational person instinctively understands about "deeply religious" and/or "deeply conservative" people, when he was arrested for molesting a resident at his self-run Pensacola home for wayward girls. Next up - and once again in the backwards swamp-state of Florida - the "Teen Transformation Ministries" group home for troubled boys has been shut down by authorities so reports that residents broke a 13-year-old inmate's shoulder, dumped him into a septic tank and forced him to sit without pants on a fire ant mound can be investigated. The home is exempt from government regulation because in Florida, there is a "religious exemption" to licensing by the Department of Children and Families. Hallelujah! DAILY DIRT TOP TEN LIST! With recent news that British genetic engineers have created a glow-in-the-dark tropical fish for the collector's market - thereby doing away with the need for aquarium lights, as well as providing hours of fun for brain-dead, acid-dropping aquaculturists - yer old pal Jerky got to thinking: How might OTHER pets be modified in such as way as to add value while also minimizing all those pesky drawbacks that make owning pets such a drag? After giving it really not much thought at all, we here at the Daily Dirt came up with this list of the… TOP TEN GENETICALLY MODIFIED PETS WE'D LIKE TO SEE! Our Top Ten lists go to Eleven 11. "No fuss" dogs that can survive indefinitely by recycling (eating) their own feces, urine, and shed hair. 10. A parrot so smart that when your girlfriend calls and you're secretly out screwing her sister, it can actually answer the phone and pretend to be you, carrying on a fully convincing conversation and spewing out all manner of bullshit lies and excuses… just like you! 9. A cross between a Silverback gorilla and a Great White shark. We can call it the "Gojira," and we can feed it pit bulls and rottweilers for breakfast. 8. Card-counting casino helper-monkeys. 7. Ferrets with OCD and a natural inclination for housework. 6. Cats that remain tiny, playful and kittenish until you become bored with them, at which point they sense your boredom and flush themselves down the toilet. 5. Four words: Giant. Invisible. Poisonous. Ladybugs. 4. Pot-bellied "snack" pigs with skin that develops a crispy, delicious outer crust that you can peel off and eat. But don't get greedy! Peel off too much and the poor thing starts to bleed! If it could be made to shit onion dip, that would be cool, too, but we don't want to be greedy. 3. Iguanas that don't rot when they die, but instead strike a dramatic pose and instantly petrify, providing you with a commemorative keepsake that functions nicely as a book-end or some other form of conversation-starting bric-a-brac. 2. The "Accommodator UGB" (Unisex Gratification Beast), which is basically a walking ball of flesh, festooned with assorted swollen, gaping, and/or throbbing sexual organs of all shapes and sizes. Great for relieving stress and giving your neighbors nightmares. Doesn't cost much to feed, as it subsists on your bodily fluids. 1. A Vern Troyer-sized "Mini You" homunculus genetic replica of yourself that lives for one year only. That should give you just enough time to teach him English, instill the fear of death into him, and then study its reaction when you tell him he's only got a few weeks left. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com

ON THESE DAYS! June 18 On this day in 1873, infamous rabble-rousing beeyotch Susan B. Anthony is fined ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS for attempting to vote during the previous Presidential elections. In today's dollars, that would be… like… a fuckin' MILLION DOLLARS or something, maaan. Okay, I admit it... I don't know the real numbers. Yer old pal Jerky never was much good at math. But whatever the exact amount, it's gotta be pretty fuckin' substantial. Hell, even just a hundred is a good chunk of change!

THEY SAID IT! "I guess if Ari had to rebel, being a Republican is better than being on drugs, but not by much." - Alan Fleischer, father of soon-to-be-gone White House press secretary Ari Fleischer, jokes about his lying weasel of a son in this Stamford Advocate story. *** *** *** "The US, like revolutionary France and revolutionary Russia, is a great power based on a universalist revolution - and therefore on the belief that the rest of the world should follow its example, or even that it should help liberate the rest of the world. Few things are more dangerous than empires pursuing their own interest in the belief that they are doing humanity a favour." - Yer old pal Jerky had a real hard time picking only one quote to pull from this lucid, wide-ranging Guardian editorial by world-renowned historian Eric Hobsbawm. Read it

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal our man in the desert... It was Saturday morning as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Jake asks her: "What are you up to?" Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!" Jake, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot." Jake walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't hit a barn door, much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears a volley of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!" Confused, Jake races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Kim Abbott for sending in today's second joke. The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard. "WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?" Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I've come for some courage." "NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?" Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well... I... I think I need a brain." "DONE!" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?" Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart." "I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE." There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" Clinton says: "Is Dorothy around?" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Sharp Dickless sent in today's worst joke. Q: Grasshopper walks into a tavern, barkeep says "We have a drink named after you." A: The grasshopper says, "You have a drink named Floyd?"

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Hi Jerky: I was listening to the radio today and heard the most amusing thing... just after midnight on Sunday June 1, a 17 year old male broke into a house in Hamilton, Ontario, intent on robbing it. It just so happens that the 25 year old male who resides there woke up and caught the 17 year old. A fight ensued and the 25 year old managed to pin the 17 year old and tied him up with a belt. (This is where most people would call the cops) The 25 year old instead striped the 17 y-o naked and beat the holy hell out of him for 5 HOURS! Then loaded him into his car, drove him across town and dumped his beaten, bleeding and naked body in the middle of the street. The 17 y-o managed to notify the police of his assault and now the frigg'n home owner is charge with aggravated assault and might spend time in jail. I agree the home owner was a bit excessive, but come on. I do know, that little punk won't be doing any more B&E's any time soon. Jerky I'd like to know what you and your readers think of this situation. The "I'd of jus' fuck'n shot 'em" line is fine (I would do the same) but this happened in Canada were guns aren't as prevalent as the States. Was a good 5 hour ass whooping and a naked cruise across town justified in your mind or too much? Signed: RW Sharp Catching somebody in the act of stealing your shit does NOT give you carte blanche to then turn around and break the law, yourself. After the first half-hour's worth of pounding was over and done with, this guy obviously wasn't acting in self defense anymore. So I think they should BOTH go to jail. But I also think they should be made cell-mates, so the dumb-ass punk's daily regimen of naked bondage-beatings can continue for a little while longer. So you can see how my "liberal" side is conflicted with my "rip the miscreant's skin off and make him scream for his fuckin' mommy" side on this one. *** **** *** Dear Jerky, Thank you for inspiring the continuance of my self education. In the Ghost Agenda edition of the daily dirt you used several words that I had to look up to understand them & the context in which they were used. Of particular interest was basal ganglia. The closest term I could find was basal ganglion which is probably what you intended since it is any of 4 masses of gray matter in each cerebral hemisphere. When I looked up basal and ganglia separately, basal was of, at or forming the BASE & ganglia was the plural of ganglion which is a gray mass of tissue existing OUTSIDE the brain & spinal cord. Therefore it could be construed that the real reason you're keeping your reptilian ideas in your basal ganglia is that you don't want to be talking out your ass. If so, I applaud you because talking out of your ass is best left to the experts like Bush, Cheney & Rumsfeld, the "Asses of Evil." Signed: PINTORACER Pinto; The closest you could find to "basal ganglia" was "basal ganglion"? As of ten fucking seconds ago, Google.com returns fifty-one thousand, seven hundred instances of the phrase "basal ganglia" currently in use on the World Wide Web. I strongly suggest you switch search engines. It'll save you lots of time in future.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: TEENIE WEENIES RULE! Care of: Alison L. Jerky, It must be harsh out there for average to small hung guys. Especially when there has been a new disease affecting so many women. It’s worse than SARS, Mad Cow or anything else out there right now. It’s called Huge Gaping Hole Syndrome. These woman are afflicted with a box so big, that the average guy can’t possibly hope to fill it. I know a couple of women who have met great guys and were totally into them until they got in the guy's pants and realized he didn’t have a porn dick and then dumped them with no explanation. I wonder what percentage of the male population has an organ that is suitable for dealing with this affliction? It really cuts down on the amount of guys these girls have to pick from. I am fortunate enough not to suffer from HGHS. I was blessed with being small, tight and sweet and get thorough enjoyment out of these small guys (who normally tend to be better in bed due to developing other talents to compensate for lack of length). They also tend to appreciate woman like me and will do anything to hang onto to them. It’s all good. Cheers to the teenie weenies! Ali [More literary cross-dressing from the microphalus contingent? Maybe, maybe not. There's simply no way to tell. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com